[private]I’ve been sitting at this computer for hours.  I have a platform.  The local paper gave me an opportunity to strut my stuff.  But now I am having second thoughts about the whole thing.  I am feeling very much out of my league.  

I am supposed to be writing an engaging first novel.  I am prepared for months of gestating and birthing a book with the final draft being celebrated by its shipment to an agent.  Instead, I’m sitting here writing a blog.  For women in “mid-life” wanting to live life on their own terms.  What the hell? 

And as opinionated as I am, you would think it would be easy to just dash off a post of 500 to 700 words with no problem.  Actually, you would think that I would have so much to say, that I would have a hard time narrowing things down.

Except, I’ve written a couple of things that I think I just hate.  And my deadline is in three hours. And I keep wondering what the hell I was thinking when I agreed to do this.  I don’t know anything about blogging.   And I can’t be late my first time out.  That would be just wrong on so many levels.

So, here is what I’m thinking about submitting:

LIVES ON HOLD

            If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times:  “I can’t wait until my child is out of the house so that I can do x, y, or z.  And I’m not the only one saying it. I hear it from my friends all the time- my female friends, that is.  I have never once heard a male friend of mine say that he was delaying any form of gratification for his empty nest life stage.  I’m not saying that this is purely a female phenomenon; I’m just saying that I only hear women talking like this.  So what is this belief saying about me?  I’ll tell you.  It says that I have used parenting as my biggest tool in the art of procrastination. 

            In my mind, my life will “truly” begin when my daughter leaves for college.  Now what I think I’m doing in the meantime, in-between time is hard to say, but I’m pretty sure it’s called living.  See, that is where the problem lies.  Part of me thinks that when Diva in Training is off on her own, I’ll become this spontaneous party diva that will spend her days working passionately, while at night living like the twenty-something It Girls in New York- eating, drinking, dancing, and screwing until the wee hours in the morning, and then getting up the next day and doing it all over again.  Yeah, right!  I didn’t do that stuff when I could, and can’t for the life of me figure out what makes me think I’ll be doing that at 45.  It’s truly a fantasy of mine. 

            But, reality is much different.  I do hope that I will spend more time with my friends (the locals and the ones far away).  I know that I will have more time for my creative endeavors and self-improvement projects.  And let’s not forget about the love life.  I’m looking forward to dating without worrying what my teenager is up to while I’m out, and being able to have an overnight or weekend trip without seven calls an hour asking me where I am and what I’m doing now.  What I really want is to do what I want, when I want, without being concerned about my mini-me.  (For all you folks out there feeling indignant and smug and saying to yourself, “well, you should have never become a parent”, that is why I only have one child.  I realized my limitations and selfishness early on. So there.)

            Yet, as each year passes and I take on a different parenting challenge, I am realizing that there may be happy medium out there.  I may be able to have my cake and eat it too.  Hmm.  Interesting concept.  There is a middle of the road, and I need to find it.  All I’m doing by putting my life on hold is teaching Diva in Training to allow others to hold her hostage emotionally under the label of “mother”. 

            Yes, I know that parenting involves sacrifice, and yes, I know that the needs of the little one will outweigh the wants of the mommy, and yes, I agree that parenting is more than a notion, and we often don’t realize how in over our heads we are until around year three when they use the f-bomb at a most inopportune time.  But I also know that women who nurture themselves by making time for their friends, pursuing their dreams, continuing with their hobbies, and getting laid a few times a year are less likely to have the “life on hold” syndrome.

            These ladies are confident, self-assured, and HAPPY!  What a concept.  They aren’t waiting for life to happen- like getting released from jail after a twenty-year sentence.  They are living life and loving all aspects of it.   They will kick their game up a notch when the last child is gone, as opposed to just getting started, and not knowing where to begin.  That’s the woman that I intend to be now.

I’m running out of time.  I’ve got to do something.  I’m about to hit send.  And the editor will get it, and edit it, and post it.  And I will wait and see how things shake out.

I’m really nervous about all of this.  My writing is “going public” for the first time.  And I’ll sink or swim.  Why is that I keep hearing the PussyCat Dolls singing “Be careful what you wish for ’cause you just might get it- you just might get it?”  Shit.    At least I am only obligated to do this three more times. 

I’m thinking I’m going to need to meet the Bitch Brigade out for drinks tomorrow. Looks like someone is going to have to talk me off the ledge.[/private]