Doing Me
Because of my consulting gig, I travel back and forth from Charleston to Columbia for meetings, which means that I have a lot of time in the car. Alone.
This is fine. I listen to the TJMS if it’s morning, or my iPod.
Sometimes, I just drive in silence and think. Yes, I still actually have the ability to do that.
And writing is ALWAYS on my mind.
The theme for this week is censorship. And I’ve been mentally checking myself and my writing for ways that I censor.
Here is my list:
- I only hit the highlights about my relationship because The Man reads my blog.
- I only hit the highlights about parenting because The Girl occasionally reads my blog.
- I mostly highlight the positive with my friendships because SOME of my friends read my blog.
- I never talk about my spiritual beliefs. Or how I am so not religious because some of my family members read my blog.
- I don’t curse as much as I like to because the general public reads my blog.
Notice any recurring themes here?
If I’m gonna write stuff I don’t want anyone else to read, then my journals will suffice.
My goal as a writer is to tell MY stories. MY tales. Share MY images. Unleash MY angels or demons.
The key word here is: MY. In case you missed it.
Yes, I know that I do not live on this planet alone. That there are three sides to every story. Blah, blah, blah. I love a good story, whether it’s embellished or the flat out truth.
I date a 6′5″ white male who is originally from Wisconsin. A slim rocker dude with lots of tats. (He hates when I call him “dude”.) That alone is a couple of years’ worth of blog posts.
My daughter is a teenage drama queen that I love beyond words, but she makes the veins in my head pop on a regular basis. It gives me great pleasure to torture her with conversations about sex,dating, STIs, and teen pregnancy. I also say “penis” every chance I get just to see her cringe. Payback for all those tantrums, having to fuss to get her to do chores, failing six grade math by not turning in her work because she wanted to show her teacher who was boss (yeah- she really did that), losing library books, glasses, and much more, thus costing me a ton of money, not wearing her retainer at night, and for the day she mumbled “I hate that woman” when she thought I couldn’t hear her. I have mommy issues.
I love my friends, and yet often wonder how in the hell we manage to stay friends with all the drama that ensues. Yet let someone outside of our group fuck with one of them, and it’s on and popping.
Yes, I said fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. No. I’m not twelve.
I distrust organized religion. Have since I was old enough to question what I was hearing, but was too scared to trust my instincts because of the vengeful God that I was so fearful of. I very much believe in God. Just not the one that I was introduced to at such a tender age. And that’s that. It’s not up for discussion or debate.
From this day forward, if I find myself censoring my writing, I simply won’t write it, be it fiction or blog post.
Let the chips fall where they may.
:::APPLAUSE:::
I do the censoring thing as well. I do it a lot in my writing of stories. I don’t use curse words in fear of my mother being too embarrassed to tell anyone I’m her daughter. I’m 31 and she has never heard me use an expletive. My husband recently told me to stop doing that as far as my stories go. He was like they have to get use to it or get over it.
Do you and let everyone else do their self. Once again I applaud you. Thanking you saying what I’ve been thinking about myself.
Thanks Jennifer. That is the one thing I love about writing- there is usually someone else out there feeling the same as I do. I love connecting through my words. I agree with your husband. Keep doing your thing. Everything ain’t for everybody, but there will always be folks who get you. They’ll find you soon enough. I am definitely learning that.
Oh my darling girl – you are so NOT alone! The biggest reason I censor is my clients. Once out there, it’s OUT THERE – for good – no gettin’ it back and I have a few clients who would probably fall out of their chairs if I let fly with what I really think about any of the topics you list above. Plus, my blog is not about those things. But trust me, there have been way too many times when in the course of an explanation of something, I’ve typed one of my favorite phrases (…bitch, PLEASE!) only to hurriedly delete it before I accidentally published it.
Just when I realized I was worrying WAY TOO MUCH on that front, one of the ones I thought would fall out first emailed me telling me how much she enjoys reading someone else’s blog who IS her real, uncensored, politically-WAY-incorrect self AND cusses a blue streak, and my mind went into overdrive…still is, actually.
As you know, I recently bought the alter-ego version of my domain name where that me could run rampant and wild. Alas…it remains just a domain I own…
One day…though…one day…
Suzanne, Suzanne- I wouldn’t have you any other way. I’m first in line to read what your alter ego has to say. She cracks me the hell up!
I thought by the title you were going to write on classic censorship, a la Lennie Bruce…but the more subtle censoring you talk about is everywhere. It is as subtle as what we choose to talk about with whoever we are talking. It is not just saying “fuck” but the context within which we say “fuck”. We are aware of who we are talking to…even if it is everybody…and tailor our content and style accordingly. I think we even do it with ourselves. What we chose to think about, or not think about. It’s a real skill! The trick is to find a balance between constantly farting in public and hiding in a closet with a cork in our butts. (And I just censored myself but writing “in our butts” instead of “up our asses.”)
But that’s just it Mark, sometimes I’m censoring so much, it feels dishonest. Filters are necessary in our world, but if everything I write is heavily filtered, then I need to step away from the keyboard because I won’t be writing anything worth reading. Truth can set you free, help you see clearly, make you laugh, hurt like hell, or simply suck. I want to connect with folks with my writing. I can’t do that without hitting an emotional vein every now and then.
My blog is all about censorship even though it is read by only a two people who know who I am. As far as I know anyway. But you already know I “keep” alot of myself hidden.
I know. But for me, writing is about speaking truth as I know it. And sometimes that means folks get to see a piece of me.
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